9dpiui... Hope...

Hope is a very funny thing when you are experiencing infertility.

On the one hand you want nothing more that to have unlimited hope to be graced with a child. This hope is what keeps you going everyday, through ever early morning doctor's appointment, through every shot, through mood swings and teenage acne. This hope is what makes you a stronger person.

On the other hand, hope is what causes each negative result to tear that much further through your heart. If you have hope, then you lull yourself into this false sense of security where you convince yourself that every little twinge or ache is a real symptom, when in reality it never was. This hope eats at your resolve, and tears your heart into pieces bit by bit.

I often catch myself when I want to tell people that I have hope that a current cycle will work, and have begun telling people that well, "Hope is a tricky thing..." which is usually followed by someone telling me that I should always have hope... and me agreeing with them, but then there is always that little part of hope that taunts... that makes you hate it... thats the part I want to be able to explain to them, but in reality, most people would never understand.

This time around, I "feel" like I should have hope, everything went beautifully, every med worked as it should(even if it was a little slower than I would have liked) and every procedure was better than it ever has been. I just don't know if I can bring myself to actually say that I have hope... it almost feels like a jinx at this point. I find myself rationalizing that "I had hope all of those other times, and nothing worked, and when it did, it eventually failed anyways. So why even begin to hope?"

So I find myself still several days from testing, and just less than a week from having a blood test, wondering if I should take a chance on hope. I want so badly for this bad dream to end with a wonderful reality of being pregnant, and having a healthy and beautiful baby. I have faith that it will eventually happen for us, but I sometimes wonder what will be the toll of all of this on us.

After the m/c we stopped going to church, I was angry with God, and the church didn't support me in the way I would have hoped. I was haunted by the phrase "Its all in God's plan...", I was haunted by the thought that maybe, God didn't want me to be a mother. I was angry with the church for everything that it had ever given or not given me... I was just angry. So I didn't go to church. Instead... I had chats with God... I tried to come to grips with everything that had happened, and I searched for hope... Now exactly 5 months after my m/c, this was the first cycle that I actually felt at peace with everything that happened, and I think that this is not only because of incredibly talented doctors, and a wonderfully supportive husband and family, but also a bit because of God.

So, beyond my better judgment, and everything that my head is telling me, I have decided to have hope. I am oddly at peace with that decision, in fact, its the first time in a long time that I don't feel like spitting out the word hope, but singing it. Its funny ever since I decided that I would have hope, it has grown, it has blossomed, and it makes me feel good inside.

Now lets just hope that "HOPE" doesn't let me down this time around...

7dpiui... Good weekend!

Well this weekend was good. On Friday I went over to my parents house, and my Mom showed me how to sew, and on Saturday I went to my younger sisters concert. My wonderful husband showed up at the beginning of the concert, after an hour and a half delay, and an eight hour flight. Then we headed home, and we have been spending some quality time together while he has been getting over the jet-lag.

As for symptoms, not a whole lot to report, other than I have had a couple more bad cramping episodes, but they pass pretty quick. Also the acne comes and goes, but I am surviving. Still keeping fingers crossed... Only a week to go...

4dpiui DH coming home early!!!

Oh I am so excited! Brian was able to shorten his trip, he will be coming home on Saturday rather than Tuesday! What a wonderful surprise!

Ah, as for me, I had a raging headache yesterday, and some lower abdominal cramping. Not sure if those are symptoms, but again, its kind of early for all of that.

Well I am breaking out the pineapple tonight, since it is 4DPO, and going to have some each of the next 8 days. Will it help? Who knows, but its one more thing that "could" possibly help, and it gives me something to think about in the 2WW.

3dpiui (3 days past IUI)

I am trying to be better about using all the acronyms, I realize not all of the people that read my blog understand the online message board lingo.

As for me... well I am doing good. I had about 6 hours of bad abdominal cramps on Monday night, and I am not sure what caused them, however (this might be too much information) I am pretty sure it was constipation rather than anything bad with the ovaries. All is well now though, and I was back to my normal work out routine last night.

Its WAY too early to have any symptoms, however trust me I will post all sorts of phantom symptoms here, just because I always have a few. Its crazy living your life in 2 week increments, there is always something to be waiting for. Waiting to ovulate, then waiting to test, its a vicious cycle.

Oh yesterday I got my assigned "TTTC sister"! I joined a group of women who only know each other online to become a sister to another person from the same group. Its a great way to provide one-on-one support. Anyways, my sister is just outside London, how exciting!

I have a feeling that this will be Brian and my year for good things to happen, and I am so ready.

IUI this morning

Well this morning was my IUI.... #3. I think it went really well, and now all I have to do is wait.

Dh's sample was incredibly awesome, so no worries there. As for me I freaked out a bit when I realized that I had forgotten my purse at home. See you have to show your drivers license before they will do the insemination, and well mine was an hour away at home. I thought, "Well this is it, everything else went so well, of course I had to screw everything up." Well I explained what happened to the person that we dropped DH's sample off with, and he asked someone who said it should be just fine. I still felt terrible, and had a small breakdown in the car while we were waiting for the IUI. Then I realized that I had my work badges in the car, and they were a picture badge, government issued, so it should be something. Thats when I calmed down a lot.

Well the IUI went perfectly. The doc was able to do it with no pain at all, and without any problems like needing a larger catheter, or anything. After that I laid there for a few minutes, and then we were done. I felt myself ovulate during lunch... and I am praying that the third time is the charm.

DH heads to England tomorrow for a week, so I'll be all on my own.

Its a big day!!!

So today turns out to be a very big day! Today is my wonderful husbands 29th birthday! We are going to celebrate today by TRIGGERING!!!!!! I had my follie check this morning and the follie was a 19.5 which is definitely mature! So as long as my bloodwork comes back good (which it should) then I will trigger tonight between 6pm and midnight.

Right now my IUI is scheduled for Sunday morning at 9:30am. We do have to go to Rockville, because it is a weekend, but thats ok, Brian and I are early risers anyways. At least it will be before Brian has to head out of town on travel!!! What a relief!

Just as an update to yesterday, they called me and had me give myself a double injection last night to try to jump start the follicle. Also, I drank A LOT more water than I had been drinking, and that seemed to help. I think the blood work nurses will be glad not to see me for a while since my veins have been needle shy for the past couple days.

Happy Birthday Brian!!! Wish us luck on triggering!

Hum.... news... good? bad? I don't know...

Well I went in for my follicle check this morning, and well, there has been absolutely no change in my one mature follicle. I don't know if thats good or bad other than it isn't quite mature enough for us to trigger and have our IUI. On the other hand, my lining is now at 8.4mm, which is awesome.

I am trying to be positive with all of this, and think about the fact that if we trigger tomorrow, that It will be Brian's birthday, but I can't help to wonder if there is something not right about the way my body is responding to the meds. I guess I'll find out later today if I am going to need another dose of meds, or if they are going to up my meds to try to break the 18mm mark. I am starting to think that this is a doomed cycle. It would be nice to have just one cycle where NOTHING goes wrong, that has yet to happen.

Sweet Relief!

Well I had another follie check this morning, and there was nothing but good news. My lining has increased to 7.7mm, which is great! I also have three maturing follicles all on my right side. I have a 17.6mm, and two that are about 13.5mm. This is AWESOME news!!! I will probably have to take one more dose of meds tonight, and I go in for another follie check in the morning, but I am so very relieved that there is finally progress to be had.

Looks like we are probably going to trigger either tomorrow night, or on Friday which is DH's 29th birthday!

8 days of shots down...

Well I go in tomorrow for another follie check after two more nights of injections. This should be interesting, I am going to be a realist. I am really hoping for a thicker lining(just any amount thicker), and for reasonable growth on each of my follicles, I would really like 3 mm each, but I don't know if that is going to happen, but I am going to hope for it.

I wanted to thank those of you who have been reading my blog. It has been incredibly wonderful knowing that I have a group of women out there (some who know me, and some who don't) that give me strength even when I don't feel like I have hope anymore. It means more than you know.

Well, on to a happy note. I am not one of those IF women who can't be around babies, in fact I crave my friends children. I love holding them, and playing with them. If even for just a moment, I can pretend that it is my child, and I feel happy. I love children, and they hav made me incredibly happy lately. So for those of you who have shared your beautiful children with me lately, please know how incredibly grateful I am for that. Make sure to hug and kiss your little ones tonight, and be incredibly thankful for what you have. I know my time will come and DH and I will be able to share our little one with you all.

Update from Follie check

Yup, at last two more nights of injections. My nurse doesn't think I should worry about my lining YET... she says my follies are no where near mature yet, so the lining doesn't need to be thick yet.

We go back on Wednesday morning for yet another check. God, I hope that we have growth otherwise we are going to have a hard time making an IUI by Monday morning. I am praying that DH will not have to move his trip, because he has adjusted his schedule so many times for all of this IF stuff already.

I could use as many good follicle wishes as you can offer up. Thanks!

Frusterated with my body....

Today is CD 9... and I have done 6 days of injections, you would think that I would have more progress that I do. As it turns out I have only two growing follicles, one at 10mm, and one at 12mm, I had hoped they would be bigger by now, only 2mm in three days for the one follicle seems to be way slow development to me, but what do I know. They have to be 18 or above to be considered mature and ready for ovulation.

Oh and another kicker, my lining is THINNER than it was on CD3 or CD6.... what the hell does that mean. Days are ticking by, and I am getting nervous that DH will be out of town by the time I am ready for an IUI... seriously, this is really depressing.

Well, I guess all I can do is just talk to my nurse when she calls this afternoon, and find out if I need to start Estrace now rather than waiting till it is too late. I am beginning to wonder if the thin lining has been my problem all along. DH was trying to cheer me up this morning by saying, maybe if thats the problem, they will switch us back to Clomid, and take care of the lining issue just with meds. I tried to explain to him, that that would be a step backwards, and doctors really try to only move forwards. I know he is trying to be optimistic... I should be too, but it is hard to be optimistic when I know the crap my body likes to pull, just to make life interesting.

I just want to be pregnant.... to hold my own child... to know that all of this isn't in vain.

CD7... Update

Well, yesterday I had a follicle check after three days of Bravelle injections. I only really had one measurable follicle at 9.8 mm, several others smaller, and my lining was at 6.5 mm.

I suppose this is good, I really don't know what to expect from an all injectable cycle. I was told to come back on Monday morning and to continue with daily shots of Bravelle. I guess at that point we will see how far along I am.

If you can say a little prayer for me, because we kind of have a hard time limit of the IUI. DH will be heading out of town next Monday afternoon (1/21). I just hope that we are ready by that point.

CD4 One shot down...

I did my first shot of the cycle last night. It made me think about how surreal this whole process has been. When you are growing up, you never expect to have to give yourself shots everyday in order to have a baby. Yet, after 19 months, I don't think twice about sticking a needle in myself... very surreal.

On a happy note, DH is not going to Europe today, its postponed until 1/21! I am guessing we will have the IUI by that point, and we will be in the 2WW. That would be nice.

CD3 No Cysts!!!

Well, its official, they found no cysts at my appointment this morning! This means that I will start 75iu of Bravelle this evening, and continue that for the next three days. I will have my first follicle check on Friday morning. The monitoring nurse said that for a person my age with unexplained IF, I will probably have injections for 8-10 days, before triggering for my IUI.

Even better news is that my DH who was planning on going to England tomorrow till next Tuesday might not even be going now. That would be great. He hasn't missed a single doctors appointment or monitoring appointment yet. He has been there for every shot, every pill, and I will be very excited if his business trip gets canceled. Mind you I think I would be just fine going to the appointments, and doing the shots on my own, but its always better to know that my loving husband will be there to kiss every injection site, and hold my hand through ever ultrasound. He is my rock, and I don't think I would be able to get through all of this without him.

Woo Hoo... CD1!

This is how you know you are dealing with infertility. You actually get excited every time you see AF after a BFN. It means you can start again. Well today is CD1, which means that my CD3 ultrasound will be on Tuesday morning. Hear we go!

Our plan for the next cycle

Well, after our BFN on Wednesday, our RE nurse called and told us that Dr. Mottla wanted to switch us to an all indictable medication cycle. What does this mean? Well, it means that I get the pleasure of doing almost 12 days of injections in a row, and I will have to be going into the doctor almost every other day. Should be interesting... Our nurse also said she also had someone who was going to donate 10 vials of medicine to us for this cycle. Thats over $500 in savings. I would really like to know who this is and hug them. I get stressed over the money, but I suppose it could be a lot worse, at least we have some insurance coverage. The only thing that we have to pay out of pocket is our injectable meds and our copays.

Now if only my period would show. I have been off Estrace and Prometrium since Wednesday morning, and based on previous cycles I should be starting tomorrow, but I haven't even started to spot yet, so we will have to see. If all goes well, we could very well have our IUI on my DH's birthday Jan. 18th.

Send me some AF Dust!

Bad things to say to an infertile...

"Just Relax..."
"Just take a vacation"
"You should just adopt"

I am part of an online community of women that I REALLY respect that are all dealing with infertility in one way or another. I have been part of this particular group since its inception almost exactly a year ago. The strength and love from this group of girls has really gotten me through the past 19 months. Thanks, TTTC Girls from The Nest.

Anyways, the reason for this post... so this idiot decided it would be a good idea to come onto a board of women dealing infertility, and tell us all that our infertility was caused by birth control pills, and that Natural Family Planning would have saved us from infertility and miscarriages. Wow... just wow... On top of everything else she said all of this stating that she was a Catholic. I am a Catholic, AND I am infertile. I am fully aware of the churches stand on assisted reproduction.

What a freaking Idiot!!!

Happy anniversary big brother!

Well still getting the hang of this Blogging thing.

I wanted to wish my big brother a Happy 4th Anniversary.

Back to Work...

Well... the holidays are over, we are taking our tree down this weekend, and I am back at work. Work, work work....

Over the holidays I interviewed for a new job, something I really thought I would be perfect for, however after the interview, I came to realize that it really was not something I was ready to start doing this early in my career, I decided it would need to wait till later. So I don't think I am going to go in for the second interview. I don't know if any amount of money would make me want to do that particular work right now.

On another note, my weight is out of control, and I am really trying to figure out what to do about it. I went 3 months exercising at Curves, and didn't lose a pound. In the last week, I gained 8. I know it very well could be AF getting ready to arrive, but really how is that any way to encourage motivation. I really hate my body... I can't lose weight, and I can't have a baby.

So very sad....

One of my online friends(I read her blog often) had triplets two months ago. The two girls have been fairly well, but her son has had numerous health issues. Today he passed away in his mothers' arms. Jack will always be with us. If you have a moment say a prayer for little Jack and for his whole family.

My Wonderful Husband

Well on top of my negative test today, DH had a visit to a doctor to get his blood pressure looked at. Well, turns out it was good we went, he is on meds now to help bring the pressure down. They did an EKG, and he hadn't caused heart damage yet, however, it could have been bad soon.

Its official IUI#2.... Negative...

Wow what a cheery start to this blog... Well I guess I have to start somewhere. I just got the call from the REs office with the news that our 2nd IUI cycle failed.

Since you may not know my yet, let me fill you in a little about my IF journey so far. DH and I were married in June 2004. We stopped BCP in June 2006 and pretty much started trying. After numerous extremely long cycles and no BFP, we consulted my OB/GYN who said we should just be patient and keep trying, but if we REALLY felt the urge to get a second opinion, we could call an RE after the 1 year mark. By this point it was April 2007, and I knew something was wrong. As soon as the one year mark rolled by, I called the insurance and made an appointment with Dr. Gilbert Mottla at Shady Grove Fertility in Annapolis, MD. That first appointment was such a relief, and it felt good to have a plan for tests, and procedures that we needed in order to diagnose the problem.

One week later, and a day before my 25th birthday, BFP... we were over the moon excited! The betas were perfect 489, 1254, and 5390, but nothing could have prepared us for the u/s. At the first u/s they didn't see anything except a sac, thinking it was too early, the doc asked us to come in a week later. At this point, I knew it would turn out bad. After two more weeks and a continually empty sac, I opted for a D&C. We were crushed... the only thing that picked us up was knowing that we already had a plan in place at SGFC-Annapolis. I spent a full month on BCP, just resting, and letting my body recover from the miscarriage. The following month I was on BCP again, but we did all of our testing. Everything came back perfect, including DH's numbers!

In November I had my first medicated IUI cycle. I was put on 50mg of Clomid CD3-7, and then 150iu of Bravelle on CD9. After my first follie check, I had to go back 4 more times(including 4 more shots of Bravelle) before I could trigger. We went to SGFC-Rockville for the IUI, and then we waited. Two weeks later, BFN...

In December I started my second medicated IUI cycle. The protocol was the same as the previous month, however at my first follie check (CD11) my lining was only 3mm, so I was placed on Estrace until BFP or AF. This time around I had 1 beautiful follicle the first check, so I was happy that the meds had worked! We went to SGFC - Annapolis for IUI#2, and then we left for vacation. We spent two weeks with family relaxing. I ate almost 5 pineapples, and took Estrace and prometrium vaginally twice a day, and yet as you already know, today... BFN.

This is my journey so far... you will be around for the rest.

First Post!

Well I decided to start the new year with a fresh start... I will be blogging my infertility journey from now on. Hopefully someone decides to read this, but otherwise it will be a nice journal of my thoughts and journey.